Question by Tia M: please Help!!!!Should I fight for my marriage or let it go,All your Advices are welcome.?
Sorry i try to keep it short but this is relationship drama.
Thank’s to all of you who will take time to read and help me with an answer.
I am going to give a brief story of how it all began in order to help you be able to figure out an answer to my question.
My husband & I are going into our 10th year marriage.2 kids.everything started out like a movie.we were really enjoying the ways of our life until conflicts and unresolved issues got a hold of us .this is let say 3,to 4 years into the marriage.It quickly escalated into him mentally and emotionally abusing me.It was too early for me to quit but I manage to just hang in there.On the outside everything looked great.before I knew it the lack of attention ,the stress from (work,school,our first baby and all that you know typical of in any relationship).It about 6 years now in the relationship I become involved in an emotional relationship with this guy X.For a very short time let say for days or close to a month.But i come clean and told my husband about it.Well I am trying to cut off some details here,to avoid being too long.So he took half responsibility of my cheating and agree that we both should work to save the marriage.I bought me a new ring ,the next year our second baby was on the way.Only to find out one day that he is been seeking after all his Ex-girls,Asking his friends if they could help him trace anyone and find there where about.They did find one ,pass on the infos and he end up making contact with this one girl Z. One day I come across some e-mails and phone messages + pictures of her that she sent to him ,both talking about wanting to recandle their love.She knows he is married yet she seem to agree about becoming his mistress.He did told her blank that if she agree to his demand that she will always be 2nd place because he want to keep me ,specially for the kids ,but wanted her to come on board also.she never say OK but it was clear to me in all her messages that she still want him .By this time,me pregnant 7 month he is talking &planning to visit her bcse she lives in France.With all these evidences I confronted him.couldn’t deny .he apologize and explain that he still didn’t got over my emotional affair and wanted to get some of his old memories back.at this point In my mind I was thinking we have succeed our fight to save the marriage.Of course I was hurt ,so hurt that the baby surely suffer trough this as I become severely depressed.But he convinced me he will put an end to this.I cough him 2 time after he promise both time to stop.so i tricked him by changing his e-mail’s password &after many tries.He gave up and open up a new account.I kept the old coming back ot verify from time to time.By this time the baby is born ,yet my hubby talked to Z one more time on the phone ,the baby was only few weeks old this time i cough him again.going ouside to talk while I am in the house with baby.O than started talking Divorce.he pleaded to behave.I know you all asking what?yes with a brain new baby,i didn’t have a job at this time,+I keep telling myself that Z was far away ,for me to just Quit for someone who os working her way to come get all that I worked for all these years?So I keep letting go hoping that this time everything will e ok. Notice that My hubby move on from their old relationship almost 12 years ago now ,to this day she hasn’t find a man to marry her.No wonder she was all on him with messages ,pictures and all that.Now about the calls I can’t say for sure they truly ended but I have checked his cell phone for a year now ,he even deleted her number and e-mails.he also gave me his new account ,the one that he created after my trick he gave me the new password,he leaves his cell with me all the time.So he seem to have disconnected form her for a while now.As far as i checked I haven’t seen any sign of him reaching out to her close to a year now.But she hasn’t How do I know?remember i am in charge of the old account!! and that the one she has &almost every month since 2008 began she will send in some group messages.I kept this to myself just bcse didn’t want to bring up her name and he (hubby)thinks he lost his old account.So wnat to see if we can forget about her.But Just last month she finally broke down and wrote a one on one message form her to my Hubby asking him to joint her myspace friends list.&tonight I went to see ,here she is with a message asking if he got her invitation to myspace.PLEASE ANYONE TELL ME SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER TO TELL HIM ABOUT HER REACHING OUT TO HIM AGAIN OR IGNORE IT ,IF I HAVE TO FIGHT HOW DO I deal with Z???????,she is so desperate.either i am here or divorced she sound determine to fight for her chance.It sad on one side that she really need a man this bad but the man is married with family.Please some advice!!!!.I will have to mention that he(hubby) is still more of the old guy ,almost no change at all on the emotional part,I struggle to this day ,often when we disagree o
Thank you so very much.& more thanks for all of your answers& for reading my story.I was prepared to have harsh comments for the long message,but instead you have shown me compassion ,I really needed to get my problem out there.Reading your suggestions oneby one ,i feel u all supported the idea of me working to keep the marriage and family intact.but not to expose our kids be statistic of broken homes,Especially while their dad & I grew up with both our moms&dads.& they’R still together on each side.(4 gd-parents)I can remember my mom-in law and my mom saying to us newlywed that this is it, divorce shall never be an option @the time i would always agree with excitement Little I knew about marital conflicts,But Im glad.You were able to tell that i m in this with a fightful spirit,but it get hard,very hard at time .Still your words of wisdom are on target, telling me that i can&that I need to fight really helped lift my spirit high.more thankful comments tomorrow
God bless U all.
hello Everyone.my spirit has been lifted up since I read all of Ur feed-back.it is almost as if I have been waiting for someone else approval in order for me to act&seek real solutions.to this painful&verydifficult situation.All of your answers are for me that someone Voice I have been wanting to hear
@CHRIS D,I am sorry to hear that happen to you.I take your advice to heart. I have never imagined myself getting to this point of seeking for divorce.I suffer so much each time I think of it, But We are unable to run our home in a smooth way.My hubby who despite the love he has for me (I never doubted his love for me)but his ideology of what a wife should&shouldn’t do is way out of control,too much restriction.do&don’t.Basically he is the man therefore his rules &Desires should be meet first and the rest we will see.he almost never want to talk about issues,he will rather choose silence over a dialogue.This how our problems built up.I am Pleased with what @Love Canada proposed
I am pleased with Love canada proposition because this will give us some space& this way we can look within ourself being in very different environment can help each one of us see what it is that we really want;
@Love Canada I love the way you put it,at this point we really need to breath &if only if we are able to come back naturally together than we can start talking about our future together again..I will keep u update when this happen,because this is a must,if nothing else we need to try this one first(separation).All we need right now is just to put up a plan since my kid in school and I am taking some college classes too ,this may delay for it happening now.but we will find a way.Because I want to be able to take the kids with me.
@Love canada ,you know i like the fact that I never hide it from him ,because through this I have been able to discover so many sides of mu hubby. When he was mad as i just confess to him,he said and did things i would have never known existed in the back ground of his head.Now do you actually know that I am the one talking about Divorce more than he? .my infidelity has exposed some others things about him .As of now he is actually the one asking me to reconsider my thoughts about wanting to divorce him.Up until this time my kids are my motivation to save this marriage.Him & I have deep care and love for each other but so much little things get in our way ,I f what you propose doesn’t help us come down than I don’t know what will.
@GIL B .Thank ‘s for saying that.You are just speaking the truth.I a m not saying what i did was oK but if he took upon himself some share of responsibilities.That goes to show u,I have been in for so much hurts to where he can even pin point which ones he recognize putting me trough.,So it like he is saying let me relieve you by taking off your shoulder some of this baggages I happen to put on .but my heart can’t take anymore.We either will work this out or I will cut myself losse
@observer.I am .i just needed to have the public reaction.i almost thought i will be seen as old fashion for holding on to my marriage despite all the miscommunication and abuse.
Pray for me.i need God strength to do this.
@L.B I understand what you mean.I am so ready to just go and to never look back.But I have not run out of love for him ,which is good for my kids.if things turn out good than i won’t be here just for the kids.But than again there is the hurt,i am so hurt that ending this can be a true relief ,only how long will it last?.i dream somebody out there can show me more consideration ,respect and mostly be sensitive to my feelings but this will be good for me to enjoy.What about my kids? will they be able to enjoy as well?I am afraid for my kids psychological and emotional future.While moving on may be the right thing for me ,it may end up breaking my kids heart.Like Chris D case.mention above. I am really thorned by this!!!
@Jess p well said .I need to stop playing game .Even all the checking to see if the other women wrote,spending time torturing myself.But I do this because I truly don’t want to leave my kids behind to her or even someone else. let me tell you that i did my best and will continue to do so ,my kids deserve better,I hope i am able to give them a chance to avoid what you went through.,What bothers me with my hubby is his rejection to communicate .he really won’t say much about his feelings either,and give less attention to mine.Yes he is been this way for so long ,but not when we were fiance’,like most man he manage to work that part just fine.until life as a couple began, pray for us that what my family need right now.
@Bianca H .I wish things were different.Life is not just what I once thought it was.
@2deliscious.Guess what?in the past i have done what you propose and more .The issue reside on us being unable to communicate and talk things out.he doesn’t like being approach with a problem.he thinks every time i come to him.I am setting him up for an argument (women like to argue all the time ,this what he says).I have done my best to prove him wrong,each time i seek to talk to him on some issues,I do it out of concern& ,for the best.he like the husband in charge &/submissive wife at all time instead.And this bothers me because there certain things that just need to be talk over.even if this mean disagreements.You right I have to ignore Z,after all she never bothered me all these years until He went searching for her.So I blame her only bcse she insist on keeping contact with him.she is been waiting too long on a man to ask her for marriage,Now that He has opened this door just make things complicated.thanks though you have some good advices for couple I see!!!.May god help us.
@jdelmada ,you are my best answer now.But I am leaving my question open till tomorrow just hungry for some more answers.if i get none Than i will .comment on yours appropriately
Answer by Chris D
sorry i did not read the entire thing.. but ill tell u my story..
im 17 and my parents divorced when i was 9. till this day i feel pain cuz i dont have a family thats together. we’re always split. the divorce was the most heartbreaking and painfull thing i have ever went through with my family and i would do anything to have my mom and dad together.
even if your kids are young and wouldnt remember it they will still grow up with a sence that there’s something missing. so for the childrens sake, pls fight for the marraige as hard as u possibly can.
i still feel very sad when i think about my parents and how much that affected me.
hope i helped with your decision.
What do you think? Answer below!