Jan
07
Should I get back together with my ex wife?
By
Dr. Dieter .S asked:
Around 2001 me and my ex wife got divorced. We were too young, but I tried to make it work. We had a 2 year old son together. She got really nasty in the divorce because I wanted Joint Custody. She used the fact that I was in the special forces and 9/11 and towers going down that I wouldn’t be around for joint custody. The judge gave her full custody and I had weekend visitation rights. A week later I was deployed to Afghanistan and the 5 before I shipped out the judge took away my visitation rights. I didn’t come back to the states for 237 days. At the time I was a 1st Lieutenant. Three days after I came back I filed an appeal. Of course it failed. I attempted to try again bit I was redeployed. I came back to the states around 2003 when I resumed my attempt at an appeal. This time I fought much harder and exhausted all funds but it was no use. It failed again. A month later my son died after he fell off the jungle gym at a park. He had severe head trauma. He was under my ex wife’s mother’s supervision. I don’t blame either of them. We attended his funeral together. I had not seen him almost 2 years. They still kept docking my pay for child support for 8 months until I filed a complaint.
Around 2001 me and my ex wife got divorced. We were too young, but I tried to make it work. We had a 2 year old son together. She got really nasty in the divorce because I wanted Joint Custody. She used the fact that I was in the special forces and 9/11 and towers going down that I wouldn’t be around for joint custody. The judge gave her full custody and I had weekend visitation rights. A week later I was deployed to Afghanistan and the 5 before I shipped out the judge took away my visitation rights. I didn’t come back to the states for 237 days. At the time I was a 1st Lieutenant. Three days after I came back I filed an appeal. Of course it failed. I attempted to try again bit I was redeployed. I came back to the states around 2003 when I resumed my attempt at an appeal. This time I fought much harder and exhausted all funds but it was no use. It failed again. A month later my son died after he fell off the jungle gym at a park. He had severe head trauma. He was under my ex wife’s mother’s supervision. I don’t blame either of them. We attended his funeral together. I had not seen him almost 2 years. They still kept docking my pay for child support for 8 months until I filed a complaint.
Recently my ex wife broke up with boyfriend and decided to give me a call. She said she wanted to have lunch. I agreed to see her. After a long awkward drawn out lunch she asked me I wanted to get back together with her. She said she regretted everything. I said that I needed some time to think. I haven’t called her back.
I am a graduate of West Point and Boston University. I am currently a Major in the 10th Special Forces. I’m 35. I have gone on a total of six combat tours, if all of that is of any recollection or importance.
What the hell should I do?
Fast Fix Relationship
10 Comments
January 9th, 2010 at 9:34 pm
You need to move on.
January 11th, 2010 at 6:22 pm
So she “needed time to think”, but thought it completely proper to rip you apart and deny you visitation? She didn’t do anything to see you in a place as your sons father while you were deployed?
And after you going through hell and back with this woman, you don’t think you’re going to have a resentment, and she won’t think twice the moment something goes wrong?
I don’t know, man. I’m thinking you should be looking for somebody who will respect and appreciate you.
And by the way – thanks for the work, and the time in. You deserve the best for what you’ve given the rest of us.
January 13th, 2010 at 6:11 pm
You and your ex wife got divorced for a reason. If your divorce was nasty and you continued fighting for custody I doubt a relationship could ever work. Your ex wife is probably dealing with grief because of the loss of your son. Good Luck and thank you for protecting our country. You sound like a very giving person.
January 15th, 2010 at 4:03 am
You both are different people now, compared to 2001. To be honest, she may want to get back together with you because subconsciously, she may feel guilty for keeping you away from your son. Or because she knows that you share the same depth of grief, that others cannot know or understand. Or because she realizes she messed up a good thing. Or maybe even because being with you makes her feel closer to your son.
Whatever the reason, you need to decide if you can love her again. There’s a lot of baggage and pain for both of you. I wouldn’t recommend it, but only you know what you want.
January 17th, 2010 at 4:02 am
FIRST, a BIG THANK YOU for all you’ve given, all you’ve done, all you’ve accomplished, you are THE BEST! You have been thru a LOT in your young lifetime already. I truly feel to go BACK to your ex would not be the YOU that you’ve portrayed throughout your life. You need to go FORWARD as you have w/EVERYTHING else in your life so far. I feel she’s going thru regrets, sorrow, & you’re the only thing she has left of what once was & she’s attempting to regain a part of the past. At this point in your life, that was milestones ago. It could NEVER be as it once was. It would never give her or you the happiness you once had together. That was 8 yrs. ago since you were divorced & so much has changed in both your lives since then. I truly believe you would find happiness with someone complete new to you. Someone to make a fresh NEW start with & no old memories of what cannot be bro’t back again. This is what I believe she is attempting to regain, but I do not believe it would work, don’t believe it would even go anywhere let alone even last. Keep going forward as you’ve SO WELL DONE. You’ve surely proved you CAN go forward & accomplish things on your own. I don’t feel trying to bring back bits & pieces of the past is going to bring you true happiness & this IS one thing you do deserve. I just suggest you leave the past in the past & keep going forward. There is someone out there who is meant just for you. You just have not met her yet. When you do, you will KNOW she’s the rite one for you. “The past is forever gone, the future is still our own”. You WILL find happiness in your future & it will be worth waiting for…all the best to you…:)
January 18th, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Thank You for your time served and I am sooo sorry for your loss… I couldn’t even imagine losing a child… You do not need to go back down that road with her… It more then likely wouldn’t work… didn’t work the first time… Too much time has past… Keep moving forward… don’t go back.. Good Luck and God Bless You!!
January 19th, 2010 at 1:30 pm
Wow..you have some question! ok here’s the thing. Your ex wife is probably lonely since the break up with the her boyfriend and wants you back in her life, because you may have been really good to her at one point in time or you are just a figure of comfort for her in a time when she needs that feeling.
I think that you should honestly sit back and think about what drove you guys to divorce court in the first place. After that think about the possibility of those things coming up again. Not saying people can’t change, and you stated that you guys were pretty young when you got married, however these are things that you need to consider if you get back with her. You guys shared a pretty special bond with the birth of your son and with his unfortunate passing. Also think about your feelings for her? you do not necessarily have to jump back into a relationship with her. How about going out on a couple of dates and seeing if the sparks are still there and if you can actually see yourself in a committed relationship again.
Good luck!
January 22nd, 2010 at 9:11 pm
u r simply a rebound.no more no less.u can find better.she never cared 4u be4, nor does she now nor will she ever.dont be fooled.yes u have past intertwined but even so in irder 2move on u need to cut all contact.maybe considering gettin back w her is an attempt 2being intouch w thclosest thing 2ur son.maybe in atonement? if thats th case u wld only hurt and dissapoint urself.u wont find wt ur looking for.deep down u know u shouldnt bother w her despite how enviting it may look on the surface.never 4get wt this women put u through.
she doesnt care about u.unless u start caring about urself and lose her, u wont find some1 who will care about u.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:38 pm
as a Major get yourself assigned stateside, an instructor, recruiter, whatever… or get assigned a decent duty in Europe, Japan, or something where you can take your New Wife.
if you get deployed again it won’t work…
a wife wants a husband that’s with her.
mind you I’d maintain that these united States are NOT “At War” and deploying combat troops is unconstitutional (we haven’t been “at war” since the surrender of Imperial Japan)…
you volunteered to be a professional soldier, an officer in fact, and don’t seem to mind being contracted out.
I don’t understand why we’ve still got troops there at all at this point… puppet governments have been installed… “mission accomplished” I believe was G.W.Bush’s own words.
I wouldn’t have re-upped myself
January 28th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
So sorry for your loss no parent should have to go though that! If your looking for answers, I don’t think you’ll get them here. You have to do what’s best for you. My suggestion is to move on, after all you have been through do you really want to go back with this woman? She put you through a bitter divorce and now wants you back? Not cool in my book if she was civil about the divorce you may have had more time with your son! I say be cool with her but move on, other fish in the sea!! Again sorry for the loss of your son!